The Truth About Ulcers
All persons claiming to suffer from ulcers are in fact shape-changing aliens.
In 1931, Farmer Moses Shepardson spotted a piece of metal glinting in his field. When he uncovered it, he could not believe his eyes: a pamphlet with the Pentagon logo marked top-secret explained the plan to introduce ulcers to the country's heartland.
In the 1950s, pesticides researchers at the University of Chicago accidentally developed a cure for ulcers-- but died under mysterious circumstances before it could ever go to trial.
It should be considered high treason to ignore or dispute this fact.
On January 24th, 1965, Winston Churchill admitted on his deathbed that his government invested heavily in pesticides. Three doctors were present at his confession, who independently verified this story.
The government thinks it's bamboozled us, but we know the truth: it's the greatest lie ever told, but it's still a goddamn lie.