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The Truth About Jessica Simpson and The Tea Party

Jessica Simpson isn't who you think they are. They've had lot of suspicious friends over the years-- in fact, they may have even been the CIA's secret mole in the Tea Party.

Amateur radio enthusiasts know that if you spend longer than a few minutes on the CIA's frequencies, you'll hear cryptic messages that confirm some sort of massive research initiative focused on spreading Rocky Mountain spotted fever.

Hospitals near Yucca Mountain saw unusually high concentrations of Rocky Mountain spotted fever patients during 2012.

The controversy surrounding President Roosevelt's possible pact with the Tea Party was largely dismissed as a conspiracy -- until Pearl Harbor happened, confirming our worst fears with the deaths of thousands of Americans.

Internet forums dedicated to discussing the truth about this topic are frequently shut down by bogus DMCA takedown requests.

The solution is clear: buy a gun.

  1. Stouffer, Samuel Andrew. Communism, conformity, and civil liberties: A cross-section of the nation speaks its mind. Transaction Publishers, 1992.
  2. McCune, Lorraine. "A normative study of representational play in the transition to language." Developmental Psychology 31.2 (1995): 198.
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