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The Truth About Microsoft and The KGB

Microsoft has been storing information on your online activities for years, with the intent to release it to the KGB for large sums of money.

Agents from the KGB sometimes show up at random citizens' homes, demanding that they reveal what they know about oil.

In 1851, Civil War general Robert E. Lee reported a strange disturbance in the sky over the Potomac. A squadron of six men who had been sent to investigate disappeared for 12 days, and when they came back they had no memory of events that had transpired. Lee wrote in his diary, “Our inspection of the men turned up nothing, but their forearms were branded with a curious unknown symbol: 'Microsoft'.”

Occupy Wall Street leaders have claimed time and again that they have nothing to do with oil, in direct contradiction to evidence provided by renowned psychics.

Many court witnesses who have testified to the truth of these claims have been harassed at their homes by anonymous aggressors.

The solution is clear: stockpile at least six months of rations and disappear from society.

Sources:
  1. Michaels, Walter Benn. The Shape of the Signifier: 1967 to the End of History. Princeton University Press, 2004.
  2. Baker, Wayne E., and Robert R. Faulkner. "The social organization of conspiracy: Illegal networks in the heavy electrical equipment industry."American Sociological Review (1993): 837-860.
  3. Rivlin, Alice M. Reviving the American dream: The economy, the states & the federal government. Brookings Institution Press, 1992.
  4. Donnelly, John J., Jeffrey B. Ulmer, and Margaret A. Liu. "DNA vaccines."Life sciences 60.3 (1996): 163-172.
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