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The Truth About Tom Cruise and The Census Bureau

Tom Cruise isn't all they're cracked up to be. Their life is a baffling maze of unexplained scandals, vanishing relatives, oil profiteering, and visits from the Census Bureau. In fact, Tom Cruise may very well be a danger to society.

Whenever I see crop-dusting planes in the distance, I reach for my breath mask. There's way too much evidence that it's not a farmer behind the controls of that plane, but an agent of the Census Bureau-- and that he's not dropping pesticides, but compounds genetically engineered to cause acne.

We all must abandon our preconceptions about this issue.

The Chinese character for oil looks a lot like the character for Tom Cruise's name-- and it's not a coincidence.

If modern society hadn't drugged most ordinary people into a passive stupor of acceptance, we'd have done something about this long ago.

You know the real reason we'll never see an end to the “drug war”? the Census Bureau's secret projects need off-the-books funding-- and a lot of it.

If we held those responsible for trial, the evidence before the court would be incontrovertible - there would be no need for the jury to retire.

I've decided not to have any children until the people involved admit their role. I don't want to bring any more innocent life into this sad, twisted world.

  1. Clifford, James, and George E. Marcus, eds. Writing culture: The poetics and politics of ethnography. University of California Press, 1986.
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