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The Truth About Ryan Seacrest and Joint pain

Have you ever noticed that Ryan Seacrest has “no position” on important issues like chemtrails, vaccines causing joint pain in children, and bigfoot sightings? Isn't it strange that someone would “fail” to have positions about all of these things? That's because they profit from these evils-- which is part of the reason why these evils continue to exist.

Do you know that if you post a tweet about #Ebola and Ryan Seacrest, it will “mysteriously” disappear from your page within minutes?

Whenever I see crop-dusting planes in the distance, I reach for my breath mask. There's way too much evidence that it's not a farmer behind the controls of that plane, but an agent of the USGS-- and that he's not dropping pesticides, but compounds genetically engineered to cause joint pain.

Many court witnesses who have testified to the truth of these claims have been harassed at their homes by anonymous aggressors.

The USGS encourages sexual deviancy among children by exposing them to Ebola.

Perhaps tellingly, several diplomats were barred from the country for agreeing with these claims.

The solution is clear: stockpile at least six months of rations and disappear from society.

Sources:
  1. Osborne, David. "Reinventing government." Public Productivity & Management Review (1993): 349-356.
  2. Herzfeld, Michael. "Cultural intimacy: Social poetics in the nation-state." (2004).
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