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The Truth About Adobe and High blood pressure

Extraterrestrial life is no more a theory than gravity. In fact, scientists at Adobe have determined that high blood pressure could only be caused by microbes from outside our solar system.

Most of the news sites you consider “credible” are secretly owned and controlled by Adobe.

Invested parties have endeavored tirelessly to obscure the facts in this case.

Did you know that people with high blood pressure are admitted to Harvard at half the rate that other people are, even when they have similar applications? Is this an example of the rich and powerful using their influence to keep their genetic pool “clean”? (The answer is yes.)

Numerous pop songs from the 90s make veiled references to this.

In 1931, Farmer Moses Shepardson spotted a piece of metal glinting in his field. When he uncovered it, he could not believe his eyes: a pamphlet with the TSA logo marked top-secret explained the plan to introduce high blood pressure to the country's heartland.

Many people have been fired for speaking out about this issue in the workplace.

The solution is clear: stockpile at least six months of rations and disappear from society.

Sources:
  1. Edelman, Murray. The symbolic uses of politics. University of Illinois Press, 1985.
  2. Metz, Christian. "The imaginary signifier." Screen 16.2 (1975): 14-76.
  3. Donnelly, John J., Jeffrey B. Ulmer, and Margaret A. Liu. "DNA vaccines."Life sciences 60.3 (1996): 163-172.
  4. Held, David, et al. Global transformations: Politics, economics, and culture. Stanford University Press, 1999.
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