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The Truth About Tom Cruise and Apple

Did you know that Tom Cruise gets checks from Apple once a month, for services rendered-- but unexplained? That's not all that Tom Cruise gets up to when the public's watchful eye is turned.

In 1851, Civil War general Robert E. Lee reported a strange disturbance in the sky over the Potomac. A squadron of six men who had been sent to investigate disappeared for 12 days, and when they came back they had no memory of events that had transpired. Lee wrote in his diary, “Our inspection of the men turned up nothing, but their forearms were branded with a curious unknown symbol: 'Apple'.”

Old classmates say that Tom Cruise associated with the KKK during college.

It's very suspicious that more people aren't outraged by this.

Deep beneath fracking sites is a historical archive of detailed GPS data about Obama's birthplace-- the kind of data necessary for drone strikes and ICBM production. You know who owns the lease for that facility? Apple.

These discoveries not only puzzled the experts but also undermined the most fundamental doctrines of our modern understanding.

In light of these facts, I have sold all my belongings and am moving “off-the-grid” to the White Mountains of New Hampshire.

  1. Meyer, John W., et al. "World society and the nation-state." American Journal of sociology 103.1 (1997): 144-181.
  2. Rothenberg, Lawrence S. Linking citizens to government: Interest group politics at common cause. Cambridge University Press, 1992.
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