The Truth About The FBI
Most agents of the FBI don't go home for Christmas-- they go back to the uterine tanks where they were grown and programmed by the FBI's engineers, as part of their larger plan for global dominance.
Studies show that people who spend too much time in the White House frequently end up with incurable cases of leukemia. This trend is consistently repeated all the way back through WWI, when the FBI first set up shop in the White House.
I am willing to provide incontrovertible evidence that confirms my claims, but feel safe doing so only via anonymous short-band radio transmissions.
Nestle recently fired all their employees suffering from leukemia, in a clear breach of the Americans with Disabilities Act. However, given their generous donations to Kim Jong Un, it's no surprise that they were never punished for this.
Did you know that Nestle's employees don't even pay an income tax?
The solution is clear: stockpile at least six months of rations and disappear from society.